Peace ~ Was it the Beginning?

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Every story has a beginning... A Once Upon A Time or when the boy meets the girl or when the thriller starts the mystery. Even my story has a beginning.

Many nights I have lain awake wondering when it started. When did this disease start? Was it 2004 when I got pregnant against all odds? Was it early 2009 when my personality started to change and I started getting migraines several times a week? Was it before either of these? I have pondered and pondered when it was. One moment stands out more than others. I can't say that it was when the disease started, but it is when I know that there was going to be life changing things happening in my life. Here is that story...

April 19, 2010 I started having pains like no other. Screaming, gut-wrenching pains. I jokingly refer to that time as Painmagadon. My gut felt on fire on most days. It was my gallbladder. After the test they do where they put dye in and see how the gallbladder is functioning, it was discovered that my gallbladder was functioning at 5%. In fact, seconds after the tester had administered the drug to make my gallbladder "think" I had just eaten a cheeseburger and fries, I screamed "DEAR JESUS HEAL ME OR KILL ME!" He did neither that day and my surgery was scheduled for May 3rd. I was not nervous going into the surgery. Just relieved that the pain would be over. I just knew that after the surgery my life would be different. Funny thing is that my "different" was not the different it turned out to be. They wheeled me into the operating room and the anesthesiologist put the mask on me and asked me to count backwards from 100. 100...99...98...97...96...95...94....93

Peace. I felt such a peace I had never known. My next conscience thought was that I was in the arms of Jesus and I felt such peace. Pure peace. Human words cannot even describe the peace I felt. I don't know how I knew I was in the arms of Jesus. I just knew. I didn't see anything else. I didn't see anyone else. All I felt was this awesome, beautiful, lovely peace and I wanted to stay there forever...for eternity. I don't know how long I was there. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Then, I heard the nurse calling my name.."Kristina." "Kristina?" I then looked into his face. I remember his eyes. Kind, beautiful eyes. Jesus' eyes. I said, "If I go back, I'll have to leave you." (I still tear up remembering all this.) Then, he smiled. The smile is one I cannot humanly describe. Beautiful. Peaceful. Full of love. Full of hope. He faded away and I watched him go up. I was so sad to watch him go. I then woke up. As far as I know, I hadn't died. My heart hadn't stopped. I just know that Jesus was with me and I with him. He surrounded me with Peace. Such Peace. Pure, beautiful, lovely, sweet Peace.

I, to this day, question why I couldn't go with Him. I was a little mad at that nurse that woke me up. When I am in my darkest points and in the worst pain, I think of that peace. I remember that time with Jesus. You know what else? I don't remember Jesus' arms ever leaving me. I remember his face fading away, but I don't remember his arms leaving me. That day, for me, was the beginning. That event was the moment I knew my life would change. I have never shared this story publicly before. I have told a few people about it up till now. It's hard for me to tell it without crying or to want to be back there again. Sometimes it is even painful to know that I live in a world with impure peace. I am so human that I cannot hand out this Pure Peace that I have experienced and that saddens me. All I can do is share. Share my story. Share the beginning. Share that there is a purpose to life. There is a purpose to your life. Your body might be broken. Your soul might be hurting. I know because mine is too. We are human. But, There is a Pure, beautiful, lovely, sweet Peace. I know. I have felt it.