F.E.A.R.

Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue. The Lord said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Exodus 4: 10-12

This was the last scripture read today from a very moving sermon the pastor did today at church. He talked about always listening to God's calling. You know that God speaks to me from the last blog. Sometimes He speaks to me through others, through songs, through scripture and sometimes I do hear Him speaking to me. It may not be like Moses did. It is more of a feeling or a constant thought that just plays over and over or a situation that happens over and over. He speaks to me all the time. Today He spoke to me through the sermon, through the scripture, and through a friend who brought up the same topic of "fear" on Face book today. God speaks and He speaks your purpose over and over.

Fear is mind blowing. Fear is all in the mind. It is thought consuming and it is your thought consuming. Today, while the preacher was preaching about fear, I was (what I hope) divinely inspired by this acronym. Fear is really FALSE EXPECTATIONS ABOUT REALITY. Wow!! What do I fear? Is fear the same thing as being scared? Hmmm....

Well, I fear the future. I don't know what the future has for me. Will I go into remission? Will I be blind? Will tomorrow be more painful than today? These are all false expectations about a reality that haven't happened yet. I start to think. I'm not really scared to go blind. I'm more fearful of when it will happen of if it will happen. Is that a reality for me? Well, yes, but it is a false expectation for me because I'm not blind now. I'm sitting here typing this out. My vision is not good, but I'm not blind. God states in Exodus "Who gives him sight and makes him blind?" Now what did that have to do with Moses? Ummm...I really don't know. But it has a LOT to do with me. God has MY sight in His control. My false expectations about reality did not have God in it's sight (no pun intended). God continues to say "Is it not I, the Lord?" Why...yes...yes it is! Who am I to fear my future of my eyesight? I know if I go blind that I will be O.K. God will still be there and will still be seeing me through even through it all.

God's calling to me has been clear. "Write a book about finding a purpose when your body is broken." Yet, I had been feeling pretty good. I had felt like I was pushing through the pain. I don't fear pain. I felt I could persevere and gosh darn it, I wanted a part of my "old" life back. I had decided, completely on my own, to get a simple resume together and hand it out to some of the local daycare centers. It wasn't about the money. We are not rolling in the dough, but God has taken care of our basic needs. Our mortgage is up-to-date. Our bills are basically caught up. We have no credit card debt. It was more of a selfish desire to just go back to secular work. I was feeling some guilt and pressure from some outside forces that I should at least "try" and work. I had even been told that maybe 'work' would 'cure' me. I know that would not happen, but gosh, it is so good to dream and the extra money would be nice especially with the holidays coming up. However, the Monday that I was going to 'take matters in my own hands' I developed the Worst Headache Ever. It lasted through Tuesday (if you read my last blog you will note me saying this as well). No medicine helped get rid of the pain. It was horrible. God spoke even through my pain. I just didn't know it until today. Here is a quote that the pastor used today: We see spending our time on things that are not safe or that could cause us grief as a waste of time. Well, duh! Working would be all of that...not safe....cause me grief...and would be a waste of time because I need to write. I need to do what God has called me to do and that is to write. I also need to spend more time writing in this blog which is what I will pull together for the book.

When I first was diagnosed with the disease, I searched for a book or a story that I could read that would help me sort out my feelings. All I found was clinical information, articles and videos on the Internet. My gut, now I know it was God calling me, told me to write the book I wanted to read. At first I just pushed it aside. How could I write that book? I was just recently diagnosed. I also had a lot of misconceived ideas about the disease which I will share a lot of throughout the book.

 I was struggling. I am married to a wonderful man. He was struggling. I have three beautiful children. They were struggling. I have extended family and they were struggling. My friends were struggling. I still felt unworthy to write anything let alone a book. How could I explain this disease to anyone? I couldn’t even understand it myself.

 Early November of 2010, I took a road trip with my brother and his son to the coast of Mississippi. I was fortunate that my father-in-law helped provide the financial means for me to stay in a lovely renovated plantation. I spent a lot of time thinking about my life. The idea for the book kept coming up while I would meditate and pray. I just fought it and fought it. I was sitting on the bed. Across from me was a vanity with a huge mirror. On the vanity I had set my 8 bottles of prescription drugs. I looked in the mirror. I looked so normal. How could someone look so normal be taking so many drugs? How could I explain that so that people could understand? Who was I to write a book? Who was I to comfort people? Who was I to tell them that they were not crazy and that they were stronger than they thought? I didn’t understand it myself. I started to cry. I just didn’t know what to do with my life.

 The next morning I went to breakfast. This place had the most amazing breakfast. It also had a room that was windows from ceiling to floor. It faced out to a beautiful fountain. Peacocks roamed free here. You could here them honking. They had no care in the world. They were so beautiful. I just watched the scenery. Nature. Nothing else. No traffic. No people. Just calm and serene. Then I looked at my watch. My heart almost stopped.

The watch I wear most of the time was a gift from my grandmother the Christmas right before she passed away. It isn’t very expensive, but it is beautiful and elegant. It is also hardy. In early October, I noticed that it wasn’t keeping time the way it should. I’d set it and when I’d look it would be off. At first it was just off by 5, 10, 15 min. Then, it became slower and slower. I kept resetting it. It would run the way it should for awhile, but then would start getting slow again. Some days I wouldn’t even notice a difference. I loved that watch. No one else knew that watch was having a problem but me. It still looked like a watch. It still worked like a watch. It just wasn’t keep the same time as everyone else’s watch. I didn’t throw it away. I didn’t go out and buy a new one. I didn’t scream at it and say “WHY DON’T YOU WORK LIKE THE OTHER WATCHES IN MY HOUSE?” When It was time, I got a new battery and it works fine now. Yet, it doesn’t have all, it has been altered to keep working like all the other watches in my house. Why? Because I love that watch. It was important to me. If I were to take that watch off my wrist and hand it to you, you would have never known it had a problem or whether or not it still has a problem. THAT is what Intracranial Hypertension is like. I’m not being flippant. Our bodies are more complicated than watches, but we love our bodies. We want are bodies to work. We are like a beautiful watch that is running sluggish. We are the only ones that know what is really going on. Frustrating? Yes. But that makes us special. Special in a way that no one else will ever understand. There will be days when you will work just fine. There will be days when you will be a little off time. There will be days when you will be hours and hours off. BUT, you are still that beautiful watch that is loved. If you get nothing else from this book. I hope you always remember that!

It's hard to find your purpose when you have fear controlling your life. Sometimes your purpose is right there and God is telling you and showing you, but your fear can be so strong that it is like the basket over a candle. If you are unsure of what your fear is, what do you wrestle with in the dead of night? I always say that I never had 'problems' until the sun went down and then they all came out of the woodwork. Then, the wrestling would start. Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I going to make it? Does anyone really care? What if my only purpose is just to die a painful death? Let me tell you. You are good enough. You are smart enough. You are going to make it. Doesn't matter if no one on the planet cares because God the Father cares. Jesus cares. If they care, there is more to your life than to die a painful death. How do I know? Because I'm living proof. I've struggled. I still struggle. Not one of us was put here by accident and we all have broken bodies of some sort. Hang in there!!