I started praying more and wanted to really listen to God and follow what He wanted for my life. However, I was still angry with the hand that was dealt me. I felt like I had always tried to do what was best and go where God had wanted me to go. I just felt bitter about this new body and really blamed myself for what had happened to me. If I had taken better care of myself, I would not have been in this predicament. If I had exercised more, if I had eaten better, maybe I wouldn't be here. I would constantly get the "magically delicious" lecture about my weight every time I saw any doctor. It seemed to be the one sticking point. If I lost weight, this disease "might" go into remission. I was so sick of hearing this that I wanted to either prove the doctors right or wrong.
Two things began to happen. One was a set of Bible verses that I read in one of my quite moments. Hebrews 12: 1-3 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Run. Run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Run with perseverance the race marked out for us even if I "think" it is too hard or is a race that I don't want to do. Why? Because Jesus ran his race. He ran his race all the way to the cross. Jesus had the ultimate broken body. He died for my sins. He didn't want to run that marked race, but he did because he loved me so much that he would die for me! He endured opposition from sinful men so that I should not grow weary and lose heart. I was growing weary and losing heart. Yet, I had not been asked to do what Jesus had done for me, for you, for all of us. I was to run my race with perseverance. I was to throw off everything that hinder me and the sin that was so easily entangling me. Anger. Bitterness. My disease was entangling me. I was to throw it off as well. I was to embrace it. My race. Run my race that was marked out for me. Fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of MY faith who for the joy set before him endured the cross for ME! I had to let go of everything and move forward and do it with joy. It was time to let it all go.
I started accepting it. My disease. My life. My future with or without ever teaching again. Whatever my race my God had for me, I would gladly accept. My life would change from that moment on. Those verses have become my lifeline. My breath of heaven. When I say "Finding your Purpose When Your Body is Broken", I will always take on those verses because if you are still alive there is and always will be a race marked out for you to run. There is a purpose for you and these verses are the living, breathing proof of that.
I had begun thinking of how I was to change. What needed to change in me. How was I to live my life differently and fully for God and in God and still deal with my disease? I was overweight...ok...obese. I hurt everywhere. I could hardly move without feeling winded and disgusted. I also needed to take back other areas of my life as well.
One day as I was reading in Mark about the friends who lowered their paralytic friend down from the roof. Jesus healed that man. At one point, Jesus asked the teachers of the law that were there "Which is easier: to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say 'Get up, take your mat and walk?' (Mark 2:9) It was like a lightening bolt had struck me. I had been forgiven of my sins. What was easier for Jesus to say to me at that point? I knew he was speaking directly to me through the words of the Bible? It might as well said "Kristina, which is easier to say to you 'Your sins are forgiven?' or 'Get up, take your mat and walk?' " I thought on that and thought on that. I knew I needed to "take up my mat and start walking." I wouldn't focus on distance or how fast. I would just walk for 30 minutes. I picked a date to start. May 3, 2011. Why is that date important? It was exactly one year from my gall bladder surgery.
You see, another important fact had been made known to me during this time. I stopped questioning whether or not my time with Jesus was real after the surgery. It was real. It was not imagined. It was not a figment of my imagination or a product of a brain tumor. It was a peace that passes all understanding and it was a moment that was given to me as a gift. It was a gift that is to be shared and not hidden. I have started calling May 3rd and every May from that moment on as my "May-iversaries." I plan on celebrating. On May 3, 2011, I picked up my "mat" and I dusted off my treadmill and got on it for the first time in a long time.
I only walked a quarter of a mile.
I hurt so bad after 30 minutes. I got of my treadmill. Laid down in my bed and cried. I felt defeated. I felt ashamed. How had I gotten so out of shape? How had my body become so broken?
BUT...I got back on the treadmill the next day and the next day. I sometimes walked outside. I would walk if I hurt. I walked if I had a migraine. I walked if it was raining out. I walked if it was windy out. I walked when I was happy. I walked when I was sad. I walked every single day that May. I walked every single day that June. I walked every single day that July. I walked every single day that August. I walked every single day that September. I walked every single day that October. It wasn't until November that I broke my walking streak. I walked every single day for 206 days straight. By the time I broke my streak, I was walking upwards of 3 miles at a time. Sometimes I would only walk 30 minutes, but I walked and walked and walked and walked.
I started to lose some weight. However, the biggest blessing came was that my swelling started to slowly come down in my eyes. My specialist was in awe at my perseverance. She could not believe that walking every day could help so much. I remember her asking "You walk every day?" Yes "You walk even when you have a migraine?" Yes. "You walk even when you are hurting and don't feel like it?" Yes. "You walk even when you hurt?" Yes. There were days that I would wait till my husband got home and tell him "I am going to start walking. If I pass out, call 9-1-1." There were days that I would take Vicodin right afterwards and go to bed. There were days that I hurt so bad that I would cry from that pain of it all. There were days that I cried while I walked from the pain. There were days that trying to get that 30 minutes in were very difficult do to scheduling. There were days that I had to walk when I had company. There were days when I had to make tough choices to get that 30 minutes in. No matter what, I walked each day. I cannot begin to tell you how many miles I walked. I cannot begin to tell you how fast I walked. I can tell you that it got easier. Each day it got easier. My body became stronger. I also noticed that my headaches were not as severe. I also noticed that I started taking less and less pain medication. The most important part? I noticed a changed in my emotional state. I became happier and less stressed. I listened to music while I walked. I prayed while I walked. I meditated while I walked. It became time between me and my God.
I'd like to say my life was easy. It wasn't. I'd like to say that walking made all my symptoms disappear. It didn't. I'd like to say that everything become clear and bright and sunny. It didn't. However, I am going to say that walking made the difference in my spinal fluid level. It became a natural way for my body to reabsorb it. I really don't know how to explain it. I do know that when I would have a headache or feel the push of fluid on my spine and walked that within a half an hour of walking that I would feel better. There are several theories to this. One is that my body had found a way to reabsorb the fluid properly. Another is that endorphins my body produced helped to kill the pain that I felt from any headache or pain associated with the IH. All I know is that when I walk and now run is that I feel better physically. There is about 1/2 time span that I can hurt afterwards and I don't know if that is because of the elevated blood pressure or because of the fluid in the brain but if I wait it out I feel better than ever. I also know that I take a ton less over the counter pain meds and rarely if ever take Vicodin. It took a while to build up this natural feeling and it took daily exercise to do it but I now have this wonderful way to help when I have a headache. It sounds so oxymoronic but for me, it helps. If I feel a headache coming on and I go on a 30 minute walk, it will usually work better for me than any over the counter medicine. Not always but 70% of the time now. It has saved me from days spent in bed. It has saved me from feeling like a medicine/pill popper. It makes me feel free and strong. The hardest part was getting through the first 6 months for me. It was a struggle but I can tell you that it has been worth it for me.
In June of 2011, I bit the bullet so to speak and bought a Nook color to take back another part of my life that was missing. I missed reading. Exercising was also helping me get my attention back. I needed to take back another part that I so desperately needed. I was an avid reader and loved to read before Topamax took that away from me. Because of the uncertainty of my eyesight, it was hard to read 'regular' books and I was just way to young to be carrying around the large print books. The Nook gave me back my freedom. Exercising also started helping me focus more and helped me to keep my mind on track. I started reading easier books and ones that wouldn't frustrate me. Mostly young adult books. I started feeling like I was taking back the missing parts of me. I was still struggling with the "old" me and the "new" me but I was finally feeling like I was moving forward with my life. I was not going to let this disease defeat me or entangle me anymore.
Dawn was breaking for me. I could see a new day coming. However, I had yet to give up all to become all I could be. I had yet to die to my "old" self. I think it was scary for me to let go of what I knew and who I had been for the majority of my life. I wasn't a 'bad' person, so why would I have to give her up? I missed who I was. I still felt "dark and twisty" inside. I could see dawn breaking but the shadows threatened to swallow me up.
