When I am Totally Free

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes 1:18

I am an analytical thinker. I crave knowledge. I want to know more and I find out what I want to know. I don't just see the forest for the trees but I also see the trees for the forest. When I say that I know the scripture, I can say that I know the scripture. I won't bore you with all the details because that is not what this blog is about. When I say that I study the scripture, I have studied the scripture. The other day someone said that I might not be "teachable" because I was so "stuck" on what I already know. I have thought and thought on that and of course, prayed about it. Here is what I "think" about that statement. I am willing to learn. The problem is that there isn't much that challenges me any more. When I am in a group of what I call your average Christians and I want to open up and talk freely about my knowledge, I start noticing the stares. The blankness. The scared expressions. An "oh my goodness she knows more than I do and that freaks me out" looks that they give me. So I shut down and that frustrates me. What I know and what I want to share with others who know the Lord but can't, frustrates me. It's not that I don't think I'm "teachable" it's that it takes A LOT to be able to challenge me. So...bare with me on all this...had to lay down the road so that you understand what I really want to say and to impress upon you. Imagine that my soul is a balloon and is held down...weighted if you would by a lead weight called "knowledge." It feels like a burden to me. I carry it around with me. It isn't all bad but it "comes with much sorrow" and "the more knowledge, the more grief". I think Solomon, who all he asked of God was wisdom, got it. Or maybe I "get" Solomon...who knows? So...I know you are asking by now...what sets your "balloon" free Kristina...Oh I'm so happy you asked!!! It is simple. It is music.

Music sets my soul free. When I listen to a song, I feel the string un-attach from that lead weight. I feel it slipping from the burden. I feel free. There has been something about music from the time I was a child up until today that just moves me that nothing else has. "Let the music groove you/Let the melody move you/Feel the beat and just let go/Get the rhythm into your soul/Let the music take you/Anywhere it wants to/When we're stuck and can't get free/No matter what, we'll still be singing" (Turn Up the Music ~ Lemonade Mouth)

From the first note to the last, I am free. Free from the bondage of life. Free from the bondage of what I "know" or think I "know." It moves me to tears. I don't think of anything else but myself and the Spirit. So...why do I raise my hands? Why do I move during songs? Why have I danced on my treadmill and on my walks down the streets of Gibson City? I know people notice. I know people see me and think "what a crazy girl". I have a confession...I just can't help it. I told the same person who said that I wasn't open to "teachings" that I could stop raising my hands in praise, but I LIED!! I can't help it. When I am moved....I AM MOVED! If there wasn't the constraints of the furniture, I don't know what I would do at church. LOL Music frees me. The balloon soars to heights unknown. Sometimes (another confession) I have to touch the person next to me to feel grounded. Today I could walk into the most conservative church and Lord, help me, I would probably still raise my hands in praise if they started singing a song.

I wasn't always like this. Music has always moved me but not physically in public. I remember the first time I tasted that freedom...I was in prison. YES..prison! I went with a group to do a weekend retreat for woman at Logan prison. They played a song several times that weekend... Mary Mary's Shackes (Praise You).

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise You
(What'cha wanna do?)
I just wanna praise You
(Yeah, yeah)

You broke the chains, now I can lift my hands
(Uh feel me?)
And I'm gonna praise You
(What'cha gon do?)
I'm gonna praise You

In the corners of mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That I can break free
'Cause you see I have been down for so long

Feel like the hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise You through my circumstance
Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gonna lose my mind

But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
'Cause I can't take it anymore

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise You
I just wanna praise You

You broke the chains, now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise You
I'm gonna praise You

Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise You
I just wanna praise You

You broke the chains, now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise You
I'm gonna praise You

I WAS FREE!!!!!!!!!! Free to praise my God! Free to dance! Free to raise my hand!!!! After that weekend, I went home and this verse came to me:

Then Miriam the prophetess, Aaron's sister, took a tambourine in her hand, and ALL the women followed her, with tambourines and dancing. Exodus 15:20

The capital was all mine but ALL the women danced...danced! They were FREE!!! Music has been there when I am at my lowest, my highest and when I just feel like dancing. Even on days when I hurt, my children are fighting, I am angry at the word, when that music starts...I am free of all that. There are times that I have hurt for hours afterwards but I would never give up praising during those moments. It is amazing...when I am praising, I very rarely feel pain. I feel great! I don't have a headache. My back doesn't hurt. I could stand for hours when there is music. It doesn't just move me. It heals me as well.

Music gives me my childlike faith "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak when He is strong. YES! Jesus loves me! YES! Jesus loves me! YES! Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so!" It gives me pause at Christmas. It haunts me at Easter. It teaches me when I am seemingly "unmovable" or "unteachable." It sets me free.

You want me to learn something, to feel something, to give me pause. Find a song. You can set me down with Dr. Jeremiah or Dr. Dobson and I would listen diligently. However, I would sit back, analyze, criticize, maybe put something into my well of knowledge and walk away still feeling the weight of the lead balloon. You want me to be free...to feel freedom? Teach me and see me with the light of Jesus pouring out of me? Give me an hour with Mandisa or Point of Grace. This is me. This is when I am totally free. If it wasn't for music I would just be another Pharisee weighted down with the burden of rules and regs.

THANK YOU JESUS FOR GIVING ME A WAY TO SET MY SOUL FREE EVEN FOR MOMENTS ON THIS EARTH!!!

Update on my Life

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2: 15

After my last blog, it was all downhill from there. Work did not get easier. It got harder. On February 17th, I was terminated. The only words from the site manager was "Headstart is moving too fast for you." The only words on the paper given to me was that I didn't complete what was needed for my probation. As hard as it was for me to be "fired", I was relieved to be walking out the doors of that building. My Type A personality would have me still working there today being completely miserable and physically going downhill.

Some people thought I should have fought harder. Some people thought I should have pushed more to find out the "real" reasons as to why I was fired. I just knew I had prayed the week before that God would give me a sign as to whether or not to stay with the job and I felt peace instead of anguish when I was let go. I didn't need more than that. I didn't need to feel ashamed that God had other plans for me. The job helped get us through the Christmas season. It helped get us caught up on bills and I am not ashamed of any of that.

Where am I going from here? I spent several weeks praying and praying. I'm not saying that I didn't feel a huge since of rejection. (I am human.) Right now, I am  in the process of taking the Leap of Faith and am in the process of going back to school. I have a course of action that I'm probably going to take but I'm open to a different calling. I have faith that God will show me what to do and where to go. "Plans to prosper me and not harm me." So that is the long and short of things. :0)