Change

Several things happened this week. I don't believe that life is just a matter of mumble jumble events that are meaningless. I am a Born Again Christian. I have a strong belief in God. I believe that all things happen for a reason. Nothing is meaningless. I have felt called for a long time to write a book about my experiences with my disease. I, however, being the human that I am have been saying "NO!" I have felt unworthy. I have felt that I haven't lived long enough with the disease. I have felt that I was not good enough of a writer or that no one would listen to my words. I have felt purposeless and have felt that nothing I did was exactly that...nothing.

I have a gift. I've had it for a long time. I've had it since I was a little girl. People are drawn to me. I can't explain it. I'm not bragging about it. I can't say that I walk into a room and everyone is drawn to me like moths to a light, but this gift is special. People are just drawn to me. It is hard to describe with the written world. I used to joke that if there was a person with special needs in the room that they would find me, but in some ways, it's not a joke. They just do. In less that 10 minutes, I can get most people's life stories from them. I feel what people feel and I feel deeply with them. I have a special gift. I'm not even sure what to call it. There are times it is frustrating. There are times I don't want to be burdened by it. Yet, it is there. I can shut it down. I have shut it down for a few people. If I don't like you, you don't get the gift. If I don't trust you, you don't see it. So, there are some people who would question the validity of this gift. However, I know it is there. I thought after I got sick that it was gone or at least the majority of it. Then, something miraculous happen last Tuesday. Here is that story...

I had an appointment with my general doctor. She was running late. I got there a bit early and there was a family there. I don't know if it was a 'true' family, but for the sake of the story, I will call them a family. The mom and dad were young. They were at the most 25. There were 4 children. The oldest was at the most 7. The youngest at the most 6 weeks. The nurse called a name and the mom took the two middle kids with her. The dad was left with the oldest and the baby. The baby needed attention and he started to feed the baby. The oldest boy was watching the TV program. He was being good and quite. I was texting. I hadn't talked to this family. I hadn't acknowledged this family in any way. We sat there like that for 20 min. The boy asked the dad what time it was. The dad was at a loss with the baby and was looking helpless. I looked at my phone and, mind you this was the first time I even said a word to this family, looked at the dad and said "It's 4:25." The dad said, "Thank You" and told the boy it was 4:25. In less than a heartbeat, that boy moved across the room and sat next to me. He picked up a book. He looked at me and asked, "Can you read?" "Yes," I said, "but I will be called next and I will be unable to finish reading this book to you. When the nurse calls my name, I will hand this book to you and won't be able to finish it. Do you understand?" He shook his head yes and I started to read the book. Next thing I knew he started to rub my arm and then cuddled up next to me. Sure enough within 2 minutes of that the nurse called my name and I handed the book back to the boy and left for my appointment. Here it was that I felt physically horrible. I had a migraine and was not all together "there". Yet, this boy still sought me out. It didn't dawn on me to the next day. THE NEXT DAY the magnitude of what happened. I still had my gift. My gift hadn't "expired" when my health did. That little boy didn't know that I had an incurable disease and he didn't care. I've been so blindsided by my own "Walking Dead" feeling that I didn't realize that my gift was still there and it was still there to be touched and to be used. Maybe it meant nothing to that boy what happened Tuesday, but he might have just made a big difference to me. He was used by God in a way that was beyond anything else. He showed me that my gift was still there and was and is still needed.

OK...so what does that have to do with this blog and what does it have to do with the name change? As I stated earlier, I have been called to write a book about living with my illness but not letting my illness live me. As I was in church today, I was suffering physically. I was in terrible pain. My gut told me to leave. Go home. Don't be there. What good was I to be there? I persevered. I stayed. God spoke to me. He told me to continue to write. I am to write a book. I am going to do it through this blog. He also spoke about a name change. The name of the blog and the name of the book is and will be "Find Your Purpose When Living In Pain.". I'm going to spend the next 6 months or so writing in this blog. I don't know if what I write will or will not end up in the book, but a book will come out of this blog. I still don't understand but I do know that I want a "listening heart." I know that it won't be easy but I know that this week I had a "listening heart." May you have a "listening heart" this week as well.