God Speaking

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

This is one of my all time favorite verses since becoming sick. I liked this verse before. I loved it after. Since I last wrote, physically, life has been hard. I don't know what comes first if the depression brings the pain or if the pain brings the depression but I can honestly say that this time the pain brought on the depression. I could make a list of all the afflictions that comes with not feeling good, but one can probably guess. I think that the worst part is that the viscous cycle of being tired from the pain brings on more problems. Your strength is zapped. Unfortunately, the thing that is the farthest from your mind is God. To be completely honest, I get mad at Him at times. How could He allow this to happen in my life? Yep! ANGRY. I've said that before and the looks and responses I get from people range from those that know what it is like to be angry at God to those that cannot...NOT believe that I actually admit to being angry at Him to just saying that they don't believe in a "god" anymore. The last one makes me the most sad. However, all that has it's own blogs and this isn't it. Soon, but not today's.

Yesterday was not a good day. I hurt. I wanted to just curl up and let the world suck me into it's vertex. It was one of those "I want to just go and be with Jesus" days. I felt as far removed from God as it was going to get. Yeah...yeah...I know...what an oxymoron...want to go be with Jesus and feeling removed from God, but that is what the pain and meds and depression does to me. Throw in the anger and...whelp...you got the feeling of no where close to feeling near to God. I go to bed in pain. In tears of pain and anger I silent cry out "IF YOU ARE THERE, SPEAK TO ME. SPEAK TO ME!" Nothing. "TELL ME THE PURPOSE! TELL ME WHAT THE PURPOSE OF ALL THIS IS!" "Please...just tell me you still care....you still hear me when I cry." {Shot, I'm tearing up again just writing this all out!} Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I fall asleep.

I wake up. Headache still there. Still nothing. I had to take my oldest daughter to school early. I passed the normal turn home and turned on the next street. Because of this, my car was parked opposite of what it would normally would be parked. I walked around the trunk of my car. My right eye is the most affected by it all and I saw a medium sized dog running right at me. I FREAKED!! I screamed and ran toward the stairs. The dog was a boxer breed. Thankfully, it was tame and very well trained or things could have turned out sooo bad. It still kept trying to come towards me in a friendly dog manner but I was still freaking out and screaming. I got to the door to find it locked by my youngest children. They wouldn't let me in because they were afraid that the dog would come in. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? The dog was tame enough to not growl or bark or attack because I was ready to really hurt the poor thing. My kids finally let me in. The cops came and got the dog. I finally calmed down. I was telling the story to someone who said "Wow...God was really looking out for you today." Hmmm....I guess He was. It could have turned out so differently. Then, a good friend sent me a link to another blog that really touched me and spoke to me. The lady said she knew how to "do sick" and was trying to figure out a way to get out of "doing sick" and still live with her disease. Yeah...me too!!! God was speaking to me again through this blog. Then, I read another blog by Mandisa. She is one of my all time favorite singers. She is struggling with losing weight. Yeah...me too!!! Even famous singers struggle with weight issues!! God spoke to me again. But...He wasn't done using Mandisa. Tonight, on the treadmill, getting in my walk. Out of the 1000+ songs on my iPod that are on shuffle, what song would come up but "God Speaking" by Mandisa. I listened to that song not once, but twice. He was listening. He was there. He was with me in my pain, through my suffering, in my depression. He let me scream at Him. He spoke to me. I just had to listen. I had to be ready to listen. He didn't send fireworks or a supernatural hand to write on a wall. He didn't send Archangel to deliver a message. I just had to be open to God speaking. I think He speaks every day and we just don't hear it or maybe He doesn't. I don't know. I'm not God. I just know He spoke today...