To know me...really know me...you have to know that I am a driven person. I cannot stop. I make a plan and stick with it till the goal is accomplished or I have exhausted all avenues that is possible. Even when I have exhausted all avenues, I look for more avenues. It can be very daunting and scary for those around me. It makes me look pushy at times. I have been been known to manipulate and sometimes will work on a project above all else. I have been called several names because of this. I would look on the outside like I took it all in stride, but on the inside it tore me up. Many times I would cry over criticism and harsh words. Just the perception of someone thinking of me as less than what I wanted to be seen as would be devastating. I was your proverbial hard-shell soft-centered person. Realistically I knew not everyone liked me or would like me. I could stand there and take a verbal lashing like a champ. But behind closed doors I would melt like yesterday's chocolate left in 90 degrees on a sunny day.
After the surgery I had to pick up the pieces of my life. It was time to move on and up. Fix the parts that were not right. I was, on the outside, still doing what needed to be done. Laundry was being hung out on the line again. My daughter was being dropped off and picked up from preschool. I was picking up my kids from school. I was cleaning the house as best as I could with a preschooler. Yet, things were not right.
Nights were the worst. I was having horrific headaches. I was crying most of the time. I was having a terrible time sleeping. I was doing dishes at 2 in the morning. I would watch the sunrise and count how many cars would go up and down my street between midnight and the time I would finally fall asleep. I was agitated and frustrated. I took all kinds of over the counter medicines to help. When they failed, I was taking the Vicodin that was left from my surgery.
Then, I started noticing a spider in my vision. It was in my right eye. It wasn't a real spider. It was a black hole in my peripheral vision. When I closed my eyes it's legs would show and it looked like I had a spider on the inside of my eyelid. It was "weird" but I didn't think anything of it. I have always had vision problems. I've worn glasses since I was 6 years old. I've had an astigmatism. Sometimes when I couldn't sleep I would play a little game to see if the "spider" was there and if it would move. Could I see it "here"? Could I see it "there"? Was it visible with only my right eye? It really didn't bug me for some strange reason. The headaches bugged me. The pressure in my face bugged me. But, the spider did not. He was comforting. He was a non-painful diversion to everything else I had going on. So weird looking back. I should have been freaking out and running to the nearest Opthomologist, but I just let it comfort me.
About a week and a half after surgery, I started noticing another crazy things with my eyes. When I was driving and I would stop at a stop sign and look out and back in my car, my eyes would start to "blink". Not the eye itself, but the vision. It was like mini explosions. OK...this DID freak me out. However, it only happened when I was driving. I started thinking that everything had to be associated with my recent surgery. Maybe gas was still trapped in my retina or something. All I knew is I had the spider and now the mini-explosions. Crazy things were happening with my eyes.
I went to a conference that weekend with some friends and just casually mentioned my eyes to them. They were concerned and said that it was possible my retina might have detached slightly during the surgery and that I REALLY needed to go see an Opthomologist ASAP. OK...at this point, I was a little freaked out. Did I share that with anyone? Not really. I'm in control, right?
I made a call that Monday and set up an appointment for myself and my daughter who was going into kindergarten that next year to get our eyes checked. I still didn't think anything was seriously wrong. I thought maybe my astigmatism was getting worse and I needed new glasses. Looking back, I should not have done that but hindsight's always 20/20. Haha
My daughter does her appointment and she is perfect for an almost 5 year old. I, however, start mine and things are not looking too good. YIKES! Next thing I know, the doctor wants to take a picture of my eye. I said that I saw that it would cost me since that isn't covered by the medical card. He said that he was so concerned that he wouldn't charge me for it. THAT is when my heart starts racing a little. THAT is when my blood pressure starts to go up a little. THAT is when I knew I should have had another adult there. THAT is when I knew my 4 year old should not have been when with me that day.
He took the pictures and showed me. I look at them like a preschooler looks at a picture book. You know you should be paying attention but you just can't. He explained everything to me that day, but I cannot recall most of what he said. It was like listening to the wind. I remember only a few things and that is pressure on the brain and too much spinal fluid and a stern warning "Don't look it up on the Internet! It will just scare you!" WHOOOOAAAAA!! Buddy...you are doing a fine job of that right here in this little office off of Walmart because it is the only place I could get in really quick on the card! I wanted to melt into the linoleum tiles while my 4 year old was chatting and coloring not 25 feet away from me. The last step was to dilate my eyes. My eyes are stubborn as me and he had to put in the drops not once, but twice. "Yep," he says, "I'm pretty sure you have..." Of course, as of today, I know what he said but that day ~ he could of said peanut butter and jelly and it would have made more sense to me. I was scared. I knew my life was going to change and I wanted to get the heck out of that office, out of Walmart and definitely OUT OF MY BODY!
The office set me up an appointment with another specialist who could confirm the diagnosis. One step up the food chain, so to speak. I knew then it was serious because Monday was a holiday and the good doctor would squeeze me in on Tuesday. This appointment would not be with my daughter and I would have to find an adult to go with me.
I had to wait in Walmart for the double dilation to go down some. We're so blessed these days with our Walmarts. I walked around with my daughter, blinded by the dilation. I picked out a nice clip-on pair of sunglasses. By the grace of God, we made the 25 min trip home. I look back and wonder what would have happened if I got pulled over that day with my eyes dilated they way they were. I'm sooo thankful we were not.
FB Statuses from that time:
"Well SHOT!! No more exercising for a while! Having eye issues that might be caused by intercranium pressure. UGG!! Going next Tuesday to a specialist. Fun! Fun! My body is falling apart!" {written May 21, 2010 .... really didn't understand it all....called it "inter" I think I was also going for the word "shoot" and not "shot" :0)}
"I don't know whether to be angry or cry, so I'm choosing to feel nothing and live in denial for the moment. Is that a good thing? I don't know.Trying not to medicate myself with food is tough for me as well. At least it is me going through all this and not one of my kids and for that I am greatful!" {written May 22, 2010}
"Another great start with the sun shining. I'm not going to complain of the heat because I need it to be sunny for my own sanity!! {written May 23, 2010}
"Sometimes I wonder why I even bother..." {written May 24, 2010}
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