Tick.Tick.Tick. It had become the most annoying sound. I could pick it out any where. I could hear it everywhere. It first annoyed me laying there in a darkened hospital room. My mother's voice droning in the background. I had to listen just enough to her to follow her conversation. But that ticking sound was just making me angry. Tick.Tick.Tick. Never stopping. It was everywhere in the hospital that day. The prep room. The procedure room. Back to the prep room. Then, it was there at home. Same noise. Went into my room and turned on the fan and the air conditioner to drown out that noise but the light from another was still there to haunt me. No matter where I went there was always a tick or a click or a stamp or SOMETHING to remind me that time was there. Time was moving on. Time kept going. I hated those clocks. I was taught that "hate" was a strong word and that we should never "hate" anything or anybody. But, believe me, I hated time. I hated the fact that it reminded me every day that I was still alive. I was still breathing I was still around. It was the only thing that kept moving when I didn't want to keep going. Time was everywhere. Time for doctor's appointments. Time for medical procedures. Certain time for medicines. Take this one in the morning. Take this one at night. Time was stamped on my bracelets every time I went to the hospital. Time was stamped on the papers that went in and out with me. Time was stamped on every vial drawn from my body. I hated time. It reminded me that I was awake when most people were asleep. It stole from me during the day because I would be so tired that I would fall asleep and OOPS hours would go by! Yes...I hated time and the noise that went with it.
What did I want from time? What would have made me happy? I was in pain. Would anything but being pain free have made me happy? There were times that I would fantasize about time just standing still. A freeze frame so to speak. Just an animated, non-moving, time-standing-still forever. NOT death. Just a freeze frame. It so hard to explain. Just a moment in time where I didn't have to think about time or time moving on or focus on the future. I look back at maybe how lonely that existence was for me. I was surrounded by family and friends and all I wanted to was just for it all to end. Pain will do that to you. Pain will suck everything from you. It will leave you feeling weak and vulnerable. It makes you question your own existence. It makes you hate time. Wost of all...it makes you wonder why God leaves you on this earth.
When I was started this journey I researched looking for books or something to give me hope. I found a bunch of research based books. This discouraged me more. Was I the only one who cried in pain at 2 am? Was I the only one who wanted to live more while living with my broken body? Was it possible to live a full life while still living with a debilitating rare disorder at an older age? Was it possible to get over my anger at God?
I'm going to let you go on my journey that has been mine for the past couple of years. I hope it gives you strength, encouragement but most of all hope in your purpose of your life. Every one's story is unique. My path will be different from yours, but in the end, I think the basic feelings are the same. I am not perfect but I am blessed. May you be blessed as well.
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