Life Changer (Chap 5?)

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about tomorrow, but if it helps get rid of these horrible headaches, I think I'd jump through burning hoops at this point. Praying for an easy answer and quick fix. :0)" {Facebook status...Night of May 24, 2010}

"Very nervous and very scared this morning. Have a gut feeling it is something very serious. Stinks to feel your own mortality!! Praying I'm just being melodramatic and tired. :0)" {Facebook status...Morning of May 25, 2010}

We live in a wonderful world. Full of medical promises and "quick fixes." Have this surgery and in a few short hours or maybe a day you are home. Take this medicine and in a day or so feel almost yourself again. Even with a few more serious issues we hear all the time about how modern medicine has worked miracles in a matter of moments compared to just decades ago. Even with all the issues I had with fertility, I was able to have 3 beautiful children all with the help of modern medicine. So, to think that this problem would be fixed with a quick surgery or a prescription wasn't out of the realm of possibilities for my limited mind. I knew that God was also the great Physician and with just a single blessing from him I would be healed as well. Nothing was impossible. Nothing.

I told you all about my fantasies about my future after the gallbladder surgery. I also told you that I am a very driven woman. I not only had a Plan A. I also had a Plan B. I was accepted into a CNA class at the hospital to start in June and had signed up to take classes in the fall at a local college. IF I did not get a good job by the end of July, well...I had things under control! I was going to go back to school to become a nurse. No stopping this woman! At least I didn't think anything was going to stop me. How utterly wrong, wrong, wrong I was.

Tuesday morning broke bright and sunny. My brother was going with me to the Opthamologist that was one up the "food chain" from the wonderful doctor at Walmart. {I have to say that don't judge because he works out of the Walmart clinic. The doctor there was wonderful and he really does have a mission there. I have heard wonderful things about him. I don't think he has ever been fully recognized for the job he does for those that are less fortunate and I will always be thankful for what he did for me during that time. Without his skill and knowledge, I might have become blind. He was kind and honest.Never once did I ever felt he judged me for being poor. I hope he knows how much I am grateful to him.}

The clinic was packed. I had no idea what to expect or what was expected of me. Nervous did not even begin to describe my feelings that morning. In fact, when they called me back, I was in the bathroom. You know what they say about being nervous...

My brother did not go back with me because neither one of us knew what was going on. I have learned from this experience that if you are unsure of what to expect to always take another conscience adult with you. I say conscience because texting, sleeping and ones that really don't want to be with you don't count because they will not care or remember what is being said. You need that backup because...trust me...you just go numb. It is a universal problem with me and with anyone else. I think it is a defense mechanism. It's not that we don't want to live in reality or that we don't want to hear what they have to say but it is just hard to get past that first statement or two without feeling your own mortality. Always, always have a conscience adult backup with you during your appointments.

After his exam, he spelled it out for me. It was one of two things. It was Pseudo Tumor Cerebri or now called Intra Cranial Hypertension (which I'll refer to as IH). This is where the body "thinks" there is a tumor and produces too much cerebral spinal fluid OR it was an actual brain tumor. Either way it was causing my optic nerves to swell to the point of being dangerous to my eyesight. It was causing my horrible migraines. He explained that my brain was being pushed against my skull by the amount of fluid. Any bump or fall could cause a brain bleed at that point. (scary) I could possibly wake up blind any day. (scarier) If the fluid didn't go down, then I could have nerve damage or possible paralysis. (scariest) Then, I got the lecture I started to refer to as "The Magically Delicious" lecture. Although children do get diagnosed with IH, it is most commonly occurs in obese women of childbearing years. If you have IH, it is a condition that you will have the rest of your life. However, just losing 10% of your body weight, you can possibly put the symptoms into remission and the disease will never bother you again. We don't know much about IH as to why some people get it and others do not. There is no cure for it, but we do know that some people respond well to losing weight. {Hence "Magically Delicious"...all things "might" be cured by the "magic" of losing weight. It's my tongue-in-cheek medical reference to this phenomena. ;0)}

"As of today, my life has radically changed. There are two paths of possibilities which we will know more after the results of the MRI today. Neither is good, but one is a tougher path than the other. This next month will not be easy medically speaking for me. Pray that whatever happens God will be glorified. It's the only thing I can think of to pray for. Still in shock..." {Facebook status May 25, 2010 after the appointment}

"The two paths are...1) brain tumor or mass and 2) pseudo tumor (my body just thinks there is a tumor and makes too much cerebral fluid). Either path will not be easy, but the 'easiest' path is #2. If the MRI today shows no tumor or mass, next step is a spinal tap. YIKES!! I made peace with God today. I told him that I would be fine with either and will know that He is alays with me." {Second Facebook status May 25, 2010 after the appointment}

After the appointment, they doctor's office called and had an MRI set up at my local hospital for 2pm that same day. I went to the MRI never having had one before. I have to say that it is one of the scariest test that I had done up to that point. But I knew that it had to be done and I had to calm myself down. I HAD to know what was going on with me. I had severe anxiety issues. When they put that washcloth over my eyes and put that mask-like thing on my face, I just had to do my practice breathing and lots of praying. That is when I came up with this saying which I have used a lot since thing "Oh I wish I was a little bird/I'd spread my wings and fly/Far, far away/Underneath the clear, blue sky." Then I would imagine where I would fly away as that bird. Over mountains and to the ocean. I've been to the ocean several times on vacation but that is still one of my favorite places to be when I need to find peace. Breathing and imagining helped me get through the initial shock of the MRI.

Then, I needed to pray. I need to reach out to God. I know I was angry. I know there are people that feel that anger is a sin and that God doesn't listen to you if you are sinning against Him. However, I believe that God still heard me. I think He knew everything about me and my life. He knew where I was and what I was going through. I know He heard my prayers that day. Only I didn't know what to pray for. What do you pray for? A terrible disease/disorder or a brain tumor? What is the lesser of the two evils? You see in my Facebook status that I thought it was the disease. Two years later, I'm not so sure. I just didn't know what to pray. Complete healing? Yes but was that in His will? I just prayed that no matter what happened that in the end it would bring glory and honor to His name. I prayed that over and over. Then, I felt this peace. I knew that whatever happened. Whatever outcome. It would be OK. It would bring that glory and honor that I prayed for just moments ago. I just didn't know that my timing was not His timing. I also didn't know that it would take so long and that my journey was just beginning and that there was going to be so much more that I would have to endure. They always say that it is the darkest before the dawn. The problem is we get impatient with the darkness and want the dawn to happen before it is ready and we are necessarily ready for the dawn.

"Needing the results of the MRI tomorrow. I'll go crazy if I have to wait much longer. I might let them let me wait past Thursday. :0)" {Facebook post from the night of May 25, 2010}