There were a few nights I would lay awake before the surgery planning my life after the surgery...after the pain. I just knew that after my gall bladder was taken out that all would be fine. My life would return to normal. I would enjoy that summer with my children. I would, of course, find a wonderful teaching job to return to in the fall. We would begin living the lifestyle we had before. I fantasized about the trips we would take again. The presents I could buy again. The charities I could give to once again. There were dangers to that. One..I could not predict the future or see into the future. I think if I could, I maybe wouldn't even have had the surgery. But, that would have ended a lot of things there and what fun would that have been? But the most dangerous part? God was no where in that picture. I have to admit. I was playing a dangerous Patty Cake game with God. I was your proverbial "good" girl. I gave my life to Christ at the young age of 6. I re-dedicated my life at 14. I followed all the rules. I was a prayer, a church goer and I could walk a good walk and talk a good talk. However, I had spent most of my life angry at God. As someone once told me "Anger turned inward turns into depression." I'll go one step further...it also made me crippled. Spiritually and definitely emotionally crippled. Oh I loved God and Jesus with all my heart, but I was angry. I could go into it all but that would be another book for another time. However, I can tell you that in all my planning at this moment that God was no where to be found.
He had blessed us that fall when things were falling apart. I gave Him credit for a lot. I knew that He was a very real and vital part of who I was. I had a solid core and I could rip to shred the most seasoned theological professional. But I was angry at Him. Bitterly, Bitterly angry. THIS did not make it any easier. This pain did NOT make my anger toward him any healthier or easier or make me want to praise Him. It did leave me confused and torn. Now, most people would have said that they did not know this about me. Probably would have called me a "hypocrite" during that time? I don't know. I did know that I was saved and going to heaven. NO ONE could take that from me. I had been angry at God for so long that I didn't even know that I was angry at God. When did this revelation strike me...well...that is a little bit down the road. So, you'll just have to keep reading or waiting to find out.
The day of the surgery opened up in roaring pain. I couldn't take any medicine that night. Then, the nurses struggled to put in an IV because I was dehydrated. Could life get any more painful? I would think. I never question that any more, but that day I did. I remember the last thought I had before the gas mask came down was "Thank God this will all be over soon."
The next thing I remember is being surrounded by such peace. It was so peaceful. I cannot describe in humanly words the feeling I felt. I remember the color white and just being embraced in peace. I just wanted to stay in that place and feel that way forever. I never wanted to leave. I thought of no one and nothing else. Then I heard "Kristina. Kristina." calling me back to the other side. I looked up into Jesus' face and said "If I go back, I will have to leave you." I remember his eyes. They haunt me to this day. Beautiful almond colored eyes. The love from them just is indescribable. If I close my eyes, I can still see his face in my mind but to sit and describe it in written words is too hard to do. The peace and the love is something I will never forget. But then he smiled at me. Oh the smile. That smile was one that looking back just melts me into tears every time I think about it. It held a beauty that I could have only imagined up to that point. Then, he faded away. He never said a word to me. Yet...his presence spoke volumes upon volumes. I then woke up to the recovery room.
People have asked me if I died that day or if my heart stopped. As far as I know, I didn't die that day. My heart never stopped. My blood pressure never dropped. I have a theory behind the visit but if I share it with you now then it will take away from the story.
I stayed in the hospital over night. I got to come home the next night. I was in tremendous pain. It was the first time I thought about my visit with Jesus. It was the first time I got really angry. It was the first time I asked why he didn't just take me to heaven with him. It wouldn't be my last....
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