It is not a Tumor (Chap 7?)

"My PCP called me at home last night around 9. He was calling to check on me and chat with me for a few minutes. He said that the tumor is originating on the pituitary gland, but it was really big. Looked it up on the internet last night and all the symptoms fit to a "T". It was nice to get more to the puzzle. Still nervous about the appt today, but know that God is in control." {Facebook status written the morning of May 27, 2010}

The 24 hours after hearing the news that I had a brain tumor was a weird feeling. I almost felt like a celebrity. A weird, twisted celebrity. People were trying to friend me again on Facebook. Some people that had deleted me when they thought I had turned "psycho." I guess when you have a brain tumor it explains a lot of why you had become who you had become. I wasn't crazy, psychotic, bi-polar, a witch (with a capital "b") or anything else. I had become "Kristi with a brain tumor" and a large one at that. My doctor, who hardly acknowledged me outside his office was calling me out of the blue at home. My pastor drove 20 miles to pray with me the morning before the appointment. Eric had taken off of work. My mom taken half a day off. People were treating me like I meant something all because I had this huge mass on my brain. It felt weird. It felt disjointed. I just went from having gall bladder surgery to having a tumor in less than a month. I felt out-of-control. I wanted to hide from it all and yet run screaming and yelling with gladness because finally, FINALLY I had answers to my world falling apart.

I sat in the office and looked at the pathology report. According to the radiologist at my local hospital, the tumor measured 11cm by 12 cm. Roughly 5 in in diameter or the size of a small orange. WOW! How could I have something like that in my brain and not know it? Did it just grow all the sudden or had it been growing for years and years? Just sitting there numb in the waiting room was hard. Because I was a "squeeze in" that day, I had to wait a little longer than normal for my appointment. I wish that had been my only problem.

I was lead back into the room. It was so tiny. It barely held my mom, my husband and myself. When the neurosurgeon made his way into the room (at least another half hour later), he did not seem happy to see my Calvary there. Then, he was agitated that the disc that I had brought from my hospital did not work on the computer in the room. He muttered more than once about the "ancient" technology from rural communities. Then, abruptly left the room. I know that some of the world's most awesome, renown doctor's have some of the crummiest bedside manners, so I was patient. I also know that my local hospital (whom I would always go to and trust my life with) is not always revered by the "big town" doctors and specialists that I was now dealing with in this situations. Needless to say, I was scared and nervous beyond belief. About 10 minutes later, he literally barrels back into the room. Constantly checking his pager that was going off and muttering to himself. He barks questions at me about my health, my eyesight, my headaches, my surgeries, my recent visits to doctors. He then does a quick neuro exam. Looks into my eyes. Very bluntly says "You don't have a tumor." WHHAAATTT???? You don't have a tumor. There is possibly nothing much wrong with you than mis-shapened optic nerves and some chronic migraines brought on by an overactive imagination and stress with possible anxiety. Excuse me?!? I think the MRI was wrong because it was done at a rural hospital. We'll set you up with a better one done here. I know it will show nothing. OKAY. What about my migraines? Well, you need to talk to your primary doctor about doing a migraine therapy for you. OKAY. What about the visual problems that I've been having? Oh...fine...we have a neuro-opthamologist on staff here. She's very busy but we'll get you in and see what she has to say but I know you are just fine. OKAY. Wait here while my nurse set things up for you. (Breathe Kristina Breathe! Remember he is the professional. You are just...you are just...you are just...nothing...you are nothing to him and to God. Just breathe.)

So I sit and wait. No tumor. I am crazy. I am a lunatic. I am psycho. I am a cosmic joke brought to you by the maker Himself to waste this neurosurgeon, his nurse, the MRI people and quite possibly the neuro-opthamologist's time. I had to have brought the pain on myself with my depression and anxiety. It had to have come from my own free-will. It had to have. Isn't that what he said? Isn't that what he meant? If I brought it on, then I had to be able to make it leave and go away.

Yes, the nurse was apologetic and nice. Yes, she set up the MRI for Friday. The neuro-opthamologist was a bit tricky. She only saw a few patients a day. The next available time was Friday, July 23rd. Fine. I was crazy. I was making this all up. I wasn't even sure at that point I was even going to keep that appointment. Friday, July 23rd was going to work for me. To be honest, I prayed at that point that God would just heal me or kill me for real this time. I mean, what the heck? Why?Why?Why?

I started crying as we left the clinic. My mother wouldn't have anything to do with that! Stop it, she said! Fine. I would stop for now. I did most of my crying at night when nobody could see me. No one could see my pain then no one would see me cry or at least see the hard sobbing, gut-wrenching tears. At least...I liked to pretend they didn't know or see.

I had that second MRI done. You know how wonderful that office was to me? They didn't even have the decency to call and let me know anything. Not one word. I was on the verge and was probably the closest I have ever come to seriously considering suicide in my whole entire life. What a waste I had become. I was in pain all the time. The most skilled doctor I had known to that date had told me that it was all in my head and my head was not making it go away. There were days that if I had a handgun in the house I probably would have used it to help relieve the pressure in my head and in my soul. I don't think I have ever shared that with anyone or if I have it has been with a very few. If someone had walked into my house demanding money, I would have given it to them and then asked them to shoot me. I was ready to die. I hated my life. I hated every breathe that I took. I couldn't fix anything about me from the inside. I couldn't even begin to fix the outside. All my dreams seemed to vanish. I had become a broken nothingness. I had no hope. I had no future. Dawn was never going to come again.

"Think the kids are all picking up on my attitude. They are all being grouchy this morning! Probably doesn't help their mom is stressed out too. Please pray for them during this time. Hannah knows everything. The other two think I'm just doing stuff to get rid of my headaches." {Facebook status from May 28, 2010}

"I cannot wait for it all to be done and over with!" {Facebook status from May 31, 2010}

"Still waiting...just not going to stick around the house today. Gonna get on with my life. They have my cell phone if they really need me. Feel like a horse ready to race...tense, nervous, anticipating and waiting for the gate to open." {Facebook status from June 2, 2010}

"Good news!! I was waiting till Eric could hear first, but I called the RN at the eye dr's (she's been the most helpful and understanding :0). She said that it looks like it is a cyst. A huge cyst, but NOT a tumor!!!!!! Thank you Jesus!!! Won't know what comes next till tomorrow when the dr is back in the office. Still not a great diagnosis, but much better than originally thought!! WOO HOO!!" {Facebook status from June 2, 2010}

"Had a bad case of "what-ifs" and crybaby-itis last night. Then, couldn't sleep very well all night. All crying does for me is cause more pain and a stuffed nose. :0( Exhausted today. Probably take an early nap. NO more crying for me! (but I'm not promising anything LOL)" {Facebook status from June 3, 2010}

"After the urgency of last week, this week has been rather frustrating. I decided if they are not in a hurry or too worried, then neither am I. Did 4 loads of laundry, hung them out to dry and washed dishes. Felt very productive today. Don't ask how I feel anywhere else. :0)" {Facebook status from June 3, 2010}

"Frustrated doesn't even begin to explain how I feel tonight. Irritated and frustrated. Last week, you'd think my brain was about to explode and this week it is not a big deal?!? OK...I'm just supposed to do a "wait and see" approach. AAAGGGHHH!!!! I just don't even know WHAT to think!!!" {Facebook status from June 3, 2010}

"Eric and I are in this big debate.I told him that I was tired of wasting my time/energy on this issue and that I was going to cancel all future dr's visits and live my life like I have been doing the past year. My thought is I've lived with it for this long, I can live with it for the rest of my life.He doesn't agree. I told him I would go see my PCP with him on Monday and pray about what to do between now and then." {Facebook status from June 3, 2010}

"Thank you for all your opinions on an earlier status. I'm just tired of feeling sick and tired and I am really letting what that neurosurgeon said and his attitude get to me. I will let my PCP know how I feel and why. I did promise that I would listen to what he had to say. I just need to feel some grounding through this." {Facebook status from June 4, 2010}

"Please pray or send positive thoughts for our marriage. Eric and I have fought almost every night since Thursday. Whatever "this" is that is affecting me is also attacking our marriage as well. Thanks!" {Facebook status from June 6, 2010}