To understand any more of this blog, you'll have to read what I wrote in my journal on the 18th of this month.
I stand so close to the edge. The brink. The fine line. Blah. Blah. Blah. Had a nightmare during my nap. I was falling in the abyss screaming "Help Me!!!" at the top of my lungs. There is a part of me that thinks it is the real me that I saw in my nightmare. I don't know when it happened or where but it's like I switched places with this other Kristina. This person. This impostor, who I don't even know. I took over her body and her life. I'm Alice who fell down the rabbit hole. This world. This body. Her life events are similar, but different. Just skewed enough that I'm the only one that feels something is not right, but what... I don't know. I now divide my life into two categories...The Old Me and The New Me. If you never met The Old Me, never understood The Old Me, never really "got" The Old Me -- you can't fathom The New Me. With The Old Me anchor, I look, sound, feel, behave soo ODD. There is no way to define The New Me without wanting to put complex mental medical things -- so many medical things. Dark, twisty, unknown things. I see The Old Me in my dreams. In my thoughts. In my memories. She is sad. She is waiting. She feels anger. She feels trapped. The New Me is not going to let her free. Not for a long time. Maybe never again. The New Me doesn't like it when The Old Me tries to come out. The New Me has powerful friends. One is Crouching Tiger. Crouching Tiger is pain. Terrible, terrible, terrible pain. It is always there on the edges of my head. It stays curled up for the most part but I feel it always there. It stretches at times...testing. Testing. Testing. Testing. Making me question. Dark, twisty medical things - take meds, don't, take meds, don't. It curls back up - no meds. Good. but sometimes Crouching Tiger decides "Today is THE day." It stretches and stretches and stretches until the tiger is there clawing and fighting and pushing to be free, to get out, to leave as much pain and destruction as possible. It roars it's terrible roar and It joins forces with The New Me. Dark, twisty medical things have to happen. Drugs that make The Old Me a prisoner still have to be taken. The Crouching Tiger is beaten back into it's curling position. it is NOT happy either, but dark and twisty medical things and The New Me control It as well. The New Me has the dark and twisty medical things and dark and twisty drugs on her side. They give her the power of confusion and impulsivity. They help The New Me look incompetent. The dark and twisty medical things took away The Old Me's special power of decent eyesight even with her glasses and the ability to drive after dark. So The New Me sneers at The old Me and says hateful things causing tears...lots and lots of tears which The Crouching Tiger loves. It loves the tears.
outstanding.
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