To say The Old Me represents "good" and The New Me represents "evil" is so wrong. There were things about The Old Me that I didn't like and wanted to change. There are things about The New Me that I find very nice. For example, The Old Me tended to have very little patience. Oh yes. She could be very impatient. Waiting was AGONY. The New Me is a lot more patient. She waits at doctor's offices. "Mrs. Meece, the doctor is running a little late today." The New Me shrugs and waits. Not a problem. The Old Me would be FUMING. The Old Me would be ticking off lists and things that she was missing and time wasted and oh the busy, busy, busy life she had. The New Me sees life differently than The Old Me. She appreciates time and what it can give her and never sees a late doctor as time 'wasted' but an opportunity. An opportunity to check out the people who are also waiting. An opportunity to read. An opportunity to look at colors. The New Me no longer takes her eyesight for granted. Sometimes, reading causes a headache. Sometimes, reading causes Crouching Tiger to come alive the next day, but The New Me sees it like this...tomorrow I may be blind and may miss seeing the printed word. The New Me seizes the opportunity to still read and relishes the ability to see the printed word. Before, The Old Me took that ability for granted. Today, the headache is worth it for the opportunities it gives The New Me.
I see that I need to move forward. To move forward, I should not move backwards. I can never go backwards. The Old Me should be officially dead because The Old Me existed without this disease, right? I will always live the rest of my days with disease even if it goes into remission. So, logic tells me that I need to move forward and let The Old Me go. Yet, I do not like The New Me as it is right now. I miss The Old Me. Right now, they are still two separate entities. They battle like siblings fighting for control in the house. Yet, in this case, will they merge? Become one? They have to if logic is the truth. But as human as I am...I don't exist just on logic alone. My emotions from The Old Me just cannot fit into The New Me's world and vice versa. The Old Me wants to wake up like the guy from the old TV show Dallas and find that the past 10 years was just a dream and JR was never shot and I never was sick and I could still be healthy and can change my health. Yet, we (the medical field, myself, research, etc,etc) don't know what, why, when where,how and to have the "dream" of the last 2 years erased would be just that...a dream.
To move on...to really move on, I have to make peace with both The Old Me and The New Me. To find some purpose in it all. To find understanding in it all. Is it a merge? Is it a death of The Old Me? Is it a New Me 2.0? All I know is I want a future without the drugs dragging me down and maybe I can finally discover the Me that needs to be discovered. All I do know is that life is about moving forward even when you feel like you are The Walking Dead.
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